GTA 3 Alternate Universe Concept Script Part I (Introduction/Give Me Liberty - Last Requests) - Claude Speed (voiced by Jason Mewes)

Introduction (Bank Robbery Cutscenes)

Miguel drives a Banshee up to the Bank of Liberty. Catalina and the un-named assistant flee the bank from the back door with the looted cash.

Claude walks out with a shotgun and shoots the security camera. 

Claude: Camera's out, let's go!

The assistant and Claude flee the bank, however, Catalina shoots the assistant dead and then turns her two pistols at Claude, betraying him.

Claude: Hey, what the - ?

Catalina: Sorry, babe. Y'see, I'm an ambitious girl, and you,...

Catalina shoots Claude in the neck and leaves him tumbling to the ground for dead.

Catalina: ...you're just small time.

Claude breathes heavily in tears. He survives the gunshot, but is arrested soon after and taken into custody. A Liberty Tree newspaper is shown reporting on Claude Speed's arrest and sentencing.

Introduction (Custody and Escape Cutscenes)

Inside the police convoy truck we find an angry Claude Speed sitting alongside 8-Ball and an old un-named oriental gentleman.

Claude: (knocking the truck's interior wall in anger) Oh, Catalina Vialpando, you stupid bitch!

Oriental Gentleman: (whispering) Shhh! They'll probably shoot!

The police convoy heads on to the Callahan Bridge towards Portland. A Patriot follows the convoy, which is being driven by Colombian Cartel members. The driver drops a bomb onto the bridge, and then barricades the convoy and traffic.

News Reporter: Liberty City is in shock today, as the police and emergency services deal with the aftermath of a devastating attack on a police convoy this morning. As yet, no details have been released about the prisoners being transferred in the convoy, and no proof has claimed responsibility. A convoy left police headquarters early this morning for a routine transfer of felons to the Liberty City penitentiary. The attack took place on the Callahan Bridge, leaving few witnesses, and the bridge itself, severely damaged. Some of the convicts are thought to have perished in the explosion that followed the initial attack. Revelations as to the professionalism of the attack struck police hours afterward, when identification of the missing felons were further hampered by an attack by computer hackers on police headquarter databases. With the Porter tunnel project falling behind schedule, this disaster leaves Portland isolated from the rest of the city.

Colombian Cartel: (intimidating the police officers to let the prisoners escape) Come on! Senor dickhead! It's no problem to kill you. You gonna be sorry. A'right, a'right. Get lost.

The three prisoners leave the van. The oriental gentleman is taken by the Colombians, while 8-Ball angrily knocks out a cop upon leaving the van.

8-Ball: God damn that hurt! Hurry up now, we got no time to waste!

Claude ties up a cop inside the van and then exits the van. Claude and 8-Ball look at the bomb, which will explode in any second.

8-Ball: Oh my God, the bomb's about to explode!

Claude: RUN!

The bomb explodes, leaving a gaping hole in the middle of the Callahan Bridge. Vehicles are seen as burning wrecks. Claude and 8-Ball can be seen in the distance next to a Kuruma, the only vehicle that survived the explosion and therefore will be used in the upcoming mission.

Give Me Liberty

Claude: Whew - that was a big one! We need to get out of here! Do you know this city well?

8-Ball: We damn near didn't survive that! Listen - I know a place on the edge of the Red Light District where we can lay low, but my hands are all messed up so you better drive, brother.

Claude and 8-Ball get into the Kuruma and drive off.

Claude: What's with your hands?

8-Ball: Oh, this town don't want anymore Mr. Fixit-type guys. The police raided my arsenal not too long ago, and I ended up with both of my hands bandaged.

Claude: Ouch!

8-Ball: Yeah. And what's with you?

Claude: Well, not so often does a girlfriend betray her boyfriend. This girl who I'd known for the past nine years and I rob this bank on the outer skirts of this town. And then she leaves me for dead. Girl thinks I have no ambition.

8-Ball: Jeez, that sucks. 

Claude: Yeah, but she'll pay for that very soon. She's now co-leader of the Colombian Cartel with Miguel. 

8-Ball: Well, I'm wishing you good luck on getting revenge on that chick. You need my help, you know who to call.

Claude: Oh, thanks. But it just might be a while.

Claude and 8-Ball arrive at the safehouse and get changed back into their normal attire and head back into the car.

8-Ball: This is the place right here, let's get off the street and find a change of clothes!

After the game points out how to use the safehouse...

Claude: So, you know of any work in this town?

8-Ball: Sure do. I know this guy, he's connected, his name is Luigi. Me an' him go back so I could probably get you some work. C'mon lets head over there. By the way, what's your name?

Claude: Claude Speed. Pleased to meet you after all what happened.

8-Ball: Everybody around here calls me 8-Ball, and I forgot my real name years ago. Let's see what Luigi's got up his sleeves.

Luigi's Girls

8-Ball: This here is Luigi's club, lets go round the back and use the service door. (Claude and 8-Ball walk up to the door) Wait here while I go in and talk to Luigi. (8-Ball walks into Luigi's Sex Club 7) Say hello to 8-ball, ladies.

Luigi: Hello there. (Claude and Luigi shake hands) Your name?

Claude: I go by Claude.

Luigi: Claude, welcome. 8-Ball's got some business upstairs; well maybe you can do me a favor.

Claude: What's that?

Luigi: One of my girls needs a ride so grab a car and pick up Misty from the clinic. Then bring her back here. Remember no one messes with my girls! So keep your hands on the wheel! If you don't mess this up, maybe there'll be more work for you. Now get outta here!

Claude leaves the area in the cutscene.

Claude: (talking to himself) New beginnings, eh? Scoping around this town would be a good idea once this job's through...

Claude drives over to the Sweeney General Hospital in Portland View, where he sees Misty waiting for him. She eventually gets into the car and Claude drives back to Luigi's Sex Club 7.

Misty: Hi, I'm Misty.

Claude: Hello there. What's with the hospital visit?

Misty: Oh, I had to be there for a month- this damned barber I go to. You can't even get a decent haircut anymore!

Claude: Looks like he won't be getting another dime from you from now on. You should probably consider suing him.

Misty: (laughing) Got that right. How's the new surroundings?

Claude: Well, when a man has a girl, and then she turns on him, what's he supposed to do?

Misty: That sucks. Well, hope you enjoy your time here, check out the club when you got nothing to do.

Claude: As much as I'd love to, I'm always occupied.

Claude drops off Misty at Luigi's Sex Club 7 to complete the mission.

Don't Spank Ma Bitch Up

Looking for more work, Claude heads back to Luigi's Sex Club 7. Upon knocking on the door, he sees that Luigi is not available, but Mickey Hamfists is acting on behalf of Luigi.

Mickey: Sorry about Luigi, he's busy taking care of... of customers.

Claude: I understand. So, about this letter?

Mickey: Yeah, that's your next task. Luigi wants me to tell you he was impressed by how well you did that first job. Now he's pent-up at this drug dealer for some reason.

Mickey walks back into Luigi's Sex Club 7 while Claude reads the letter written by Luigi to instruct Claude of his next job.

Luigi: (voice only) There's a new high on the street goes by the name of SPANK. Some wiseguy's been introducing this trash to my girls down Portland Harbor. Go and introduce a bat to his face! Then take his car, respray it. I WANT COMPENSATION FOR THIS INSULT!

Claude leaves the area in the cutscene.

Claude: (talking to himself) SPANK? The name rings a loud bell. How did that get in this town? 

Claude picks up the baseball bat, then drives over to where the drug dealer is selling SPANK to some female prostitutes.

Claude: Hey ladies! Scat out of here! Hey you, punk! You're going down!

Claude kills the drug dealer, steals the car and takes it to the Pay'n'Spray. Normally, a re-spray costs $1,000, but this time it's free. Then he stashes the newly repainted car in Luigi's lock-up to complete the mission.

Drive Misty For Me

Claude heads back to Luigi's Sex Club 7, where he sees Luigi Goterelli talking with Mickey Hamfists.

Luigi: Hey Claude, I gotta talk to you... All right Mick, I'll talk to yah later. How yah doing kid. I heard about that betrayal. I feel bad.

Claude: Yeah, that's something I'll leave behind... for now. What's the next errand?

Luigi: The Don's son Joey Leone always craves action from Misty, that girl you picked up earlier. She's a regular of his. Go pick her up in Hepburn Heights, but watch yourself, that's Diablo turf. Then run her over to his garage in Trenton and make it quick, Joey ain't the kind you keep waiting, remember, this is your foot in the door... so keep your eyes on the road and off Misty!

Claude leaves the area in the cutscene.

Claude drives over to Misty's apartment in Hepburn Heights. Upon arrival, he honks the car horn to let Misty know he's there to pick her up.

Misty: You working regular for Luigi now huh? It's about time he got a driver we can trust!

Claude: That's what I'm trying to do here.

Claude drives over to Joey's Garage. He drops her off and gets out of the car to meet Joey Leone.

Misty: Joey! Am I going to get to play with your big end again?

Joey: I'll be with you in a minute spark plug. Hey, I'm Joey. (shakes hands with Claude)

Claude: I'm Claude.

Joey: Luigi said you were reliable so come back, there'll probably be some work for you.

Claude: Okay then.

Mission complete.

Pump-Action Pimp

Claude heads back to Luigi's Sex Club 7.

Luigi: Some Diablo scumbag has been pimping his skuzzy bitches in my backyard. Go and take care of things for me. If you need a piece go around the back of Ammu-Nation opposite the subway.

Claude leaves the area in the cutscene.

Claude: (talking to himself) Been hearing bad things about these Diablos lately. Luigi's sure hung up about them!

Claude drives over to where the Diablos are waiting. Claude kills them all to complete the mission.

The Fuzz Ball

Claude heads back to Luigi's Sex Club 7, where he sees Luigi Goterelli and Mickey Hamfists.

Claude: What's next, boss?

Luigi: There's a policeman's ball being held at the Old School Hall near the Callahan Bridge, and they're gonna want some 'old school action' before they drink away their green! Get a bus, and pick up some of my girls, and get 'em to the ball, they'll make a bundle. Get as many as you can so that the ball keeps on going.

Claude leaves the area in the cutscene.

Claude: (talking to himself) Is that really how the police are in this town? Talk about indecent exposure!

Claude steals a bus, then proceeds to pick up at least four girls in Portland (eight for the maximum reward of $4,000) and drops them all off at the Old School Hall to complete the mission.

Mike "Lips" Last Lunch

Claude heads over to Joey's Garage. Here he sees Joey working on cars with Misty wanting to know when she can have Joey's "business".

Misty: Hey, I'm bored when you gonna drill me?

Joey: In a moment sweet heart, I got a little business to take care of. (Claude walks in) Hey, I've got a little job for you pal, something out of the ordinary.

Claude: Okay.

Joey: The Forelli brothers, you heard of 'em?

Claude: Uh... vaguely. What's the deal with them?

Joey: They have owed me money for too long, and they need to be taught some respect. This guy named "Lips" Forelli is stuffing his fat face in St. Marco's Bistro, so steal his car and take it to 8-Ball's bomb shop in Harwood. You know 8-Ball, right?

Claude: Good friend of mine.

Joey: Yeah, nice guy as long as you don't mess with him. Knows his shit. So, anyways, once he's wired the car, park the car in the very same spot you found it so Lips doesn't suspect anything. Hurry up, though, he eats fast.

Claude leaves the area in the cutscene.

Claude: (talking to himself) Alrighty, time to pay 8-Ball a visit.

Claude drives to Saint Mark's Bistro, where he steals "Lips" Forelli's Idaho. He takes the car to 8-Ball's Bomb Shop in Harwood and gets it rigged with a bomb. Claude then takes the car back to the same spot and parks it there. He flees the scene and watches as Lips Forelli exits the restaurant and gets into his car. As he starts up the engine, the car explodes, killing him.

Claude: Oh, eat until you explode! Ha ha ha!

Mission complete.

Farewell 'Chunky' Lee Chong

Claude enters Joey's garage in Trenton.

Claude: Okay, Joey, what's next?

Joey: Chunky Lee Chong is pushing spank for some new gang from Colombia... or Colorado... or something... I'm not sure, something like that. The guy's got a noodle stand in Chinatown, and that rat has served his last stir-fry! 

Claude: Alright.

Joey: Well, remember, just watch your back in that place, it's Triad territory. There's a Ammu-Nation opposite the subway in case you need ammo.

Claude leaves the garage.

Claude: (talking to himself) Another SPANK dealer? Where are these guys coming from?

Claude heads over to Chinatown, where Chong's noodle stand is located. Soon, a confrontation erupts.

Claude: Hey! You! Chunky! Something about SPANK you got?!

Chong: I say no nothing about no spank! Men! Cap him!

Claude eliminates "Chunky" Lee Chong before he can reach his car, and any other Triads to protect himself, completing the mission. The Triads are now hostile to Claude.

Van Heist

Claude enters Joey's garage.

Joey: Alright, we got something big to hit up!

Claude: Hmm… a bank?

Joey: Close, but no cigar. We're gonna hit the payroll van. You heard that right, one of those security vans going around Chinatown everyday.

Claude: Getting one of those things is going to take more than a conventional method though...

Joey: Yeah, bullets won't even dent the van's armor. Using a car to ram it off the road, and pretty hard, should make those punk ass security guards bail. Once that's done, take the van to this warehouse near the docks where my guys will take over from there. Now it won't be doin' its rounds all day, so don't hang around. 

Claude leaves the garage. He takes a car and heads over to where the Securicar is driving around. He then rams the Securicar enough times before the driver bails out. Claude then takes the van to the warehouse by the docks to complete the mission.

Cipriani's Chauffeur

Joey Leone and Toni Cipriani talk about the repaired car when Claude enters the garage.

Joey: Yeah, I know Toni, I've tuned her real sweet. She purrs you know what I mean.

Claude enters the cutscene.

Oh, here's this guy I was telling you about.

Claude: Hello there. 

Joey: Claude, this is Pop's Capo, Toni Cipriani. Toni, Claude. Claude here isn't Italian and he's no mechanic but he can get things fixed, ain't that right, Claude?

Claude: Right on the money.

Joey: I'm gonna need you later for a job I've been planning that needs a good driver so drop sometime soon, okay? Toni here has some work for you.

Claude and Toni leave the garage in the Mafia Sentinel.

Toni: There's this laundromat in Chinatown, and the washer women haven't paid their protection money. So get us there, and watch the car, Joey just fixed it. Hell, I've seen enough action over the years.

Claude: Will do.

Claude drives Toni to the laundromat.

Toni: So, how you doing? New in this town, eh?

Claude: Just got here past two days, and so far I've been keeping Luigi and Joey impressed.

Toni: Great, just the kind of words Salvatore would want to hear. Ah, so you're not Italian, it doesn't bother me one bit. 

Claude: Okay then.

Claude drops off Toni at the Laundromat.

Toni: Wait here! Keep the engine running, this ain't a social call.

Toni walks in, but the Triads begin to shoot at him. Toni runs out and back into the car.

Toni: It's a Triad ambush! Get us out of here, Claude!

Claude and Toni escape the Triads. The player can kill all Triads in the ambush for a $2,000 bonus.

Toni: Okay, let's go to Ma's place. Those Goddamned Triads!

Claude: On it.

Claude and Toni arrive at Momma's Restaurante in St. Mark's.

Claude: I think we've paid them a lesson!

Toni: Hate to say it, but that's only the first step we climb in wiping out those Triad leeches! They think they can mess with me, the Triads, with me! Drop by later and we can give them their own bloodstained clothes to launder!

Claude: See ya.

Mission complete.

If Claude damages the car enough on the way to the laundromat, Toni will reprimand him.

Toni: I said no fancy crap!

Dead Skunk In The Trunk

Inside his garage, Joey Leone is finishing up repairs on a vehicle.

Joey: Beautiful! Just beautiful!

Claude walks in the garage to meet Joey.

Claude: I'd say that's a nice repair!

Joey: Yeah, I've been working this whole morning getting it done. Alright, there's this car at the Greasy Joe's Cafe under the bridge. One of the Forellis thought he was a wise guy, so he got what he had coming to him. Now his body is in the trunk of this Manana. Take the car to the crusher in Harwood, but be careful- I just got alert that the Forellis may try to ambush, so you'll probably have to ward them off. Got it?

Claude: Cool, I'll see you around.

Joey: Come back once you've disposed of the car - my big job is almost underway.

Claude leaves the garage. He heads over to the Greasy Joe's Café at Callahan Point, where he sees the Manana parked. Once Claude gets into the Manana, two Forelli cars start to frantically chase Claude. Claude manages to get the car to the Harwood Car Crusher and have the car crushed, thus completing the mission.

The Getaway

Joey Leone remarks on another vehicle repair job he had just completed.

Joey: What a ride she's gonna be, huh?

Claude enters the cutscene.

Joey: Alright, just the man I need to talk to!

Claude: About this robbery, right?

Joey: Yes, there's this safehouse at Saint Mark's where three of my friends are waiting for you to pick them up. They're going to rob the Bank of Liberty and need a getaway driver. This is the job I have been planning for a while, so it's gonna be payday if this goes without a hitch.

Claude: I'm on it, Joey.

Claude leaves the garage. He heads over to the marked safehouse and sounds the car's horn. Three bank robbers enter the vehicle.

Bank Robber #1: Get to the bank on the main drag. Joey said you were the man to pull this off, so don't screw this up.

Claude drives the bank robbers to the bank and drops them off.

Bank Robber #1: Keep the engine running, we'll be in and out in no time.

The bank robbers rob the bank, and sounds of gun shots, a woman screaming and a siren are heard. At least one of the robbers survive the heist, and either one, two, or all three robbers get back into Claude's car. The player now has a three-star wanted level and will need to lose the cops via a visit to the Pay 'n' Spray or using cop bribes.

Bank Robber #1: Get us the hell out of here!!

Claude drives the bank robbers to the marked safehouse and drops them off.

Bank Robber #1: That was some damn good driving, I'm gonna tell Joey how impressed I am.

Mission complete.

The Crook

Claude heads over to the pay phone by the Bitch'n' Dog Food Factory in Trenton, and is introduced to a man by the name of Marty Chonks.

Marty: The name's Chonks. Marty Chonks. I run the Bitch'n' Dog Food Factory around the corner. I got money troubles, but hey, who doesn't, right? I'm meeting my bank manager later. He's a crooked bastard who keeps bumping up the loan repayments so he can cut a slice. Take my car, pick him up and bring him back here. I've got a little surprise for that blood sucking leech!

Claude hangs up the phone. He enters the dog food factory's parking lot and gets into the Perennial provided by Chonks. He then drives over to the bank, where he then picks up the banker.

Claude: Get in, a guy by the name of Chonks wants to see you.

Bank Manager: Ah, Marty Chonks sent you. Let's go and pay the fellow a visit.

Claude drives the banker to the Bitch'n' Dog Food Factory. He drops off the banker, and watches as the banker enters the factory and meets his doom.

Bank Manager: Get your hands off me, ah! You pig – ! (Bank Manager is killed.)

To dispose of any evidence, Claude drives the car to the Harwood Autocrusher and Junkyard, and has the car destroyed by the car crusher. Mission complete.

The Thieves

Claude comes back to the same pay phone he did for the previous job by Marty Chonks, and picks up the phone.

Marty: I hired some thieves to break into my apartment... and steal some stuff so I could claim on the insurance as you do. The thieving bastards are threatening to tell the insurance company if I don't give them a bigger cut! Can you believe it? I've left a car inside the factory gates, use it to go and pick them up from their turf in the Red Light District. Then bring 'em back here to the factory so I can make 'em see Marty's point of view.

Claude hangs up the phone. He drives to Chinatown, where he picks up the thieves, and then brings them to the Bitch'n' Dog Food Factory. He watches as the thieves realize their mistake and are killed by Marty.

Robber #1: Easy there, partner! (stomped into ground by Marty)

Robber #2: Whoa! (processed into machine along with body of Robber #1 by Marty)

Claude goes to the Pay 'n' Spray to re-spray the car in order to dispose the evidence, then brings the car back to the factory. Mission complete.

The Wife

Claude comes back to the same pay phone he did for the previous job by Marty Chonks, and picks up the phone.

Marty: The business is going to go under unless I get hold of some serious cash soon. My wife has an insurance policy and all she's ever been to me is a hole in my pocket. I've left a car in the usual place. Go and pick up my wife from Classic Nails and bring her to the factory.

Claude hangs up the phone.

Claude: (talking to himself) Hmm... guy complains about his wife yet apparently he has all the money in the world to pay people like me. How ironic.

Claude goes over to Classic Nails and picks up Mrs. Chonks.

Mrs. Chonks: Marty wants to see me? Well it better be quick because I have to get my hair done.

Claude: So, Marty has been complaining about you for a while?

Mrs. Chonks: Yeah, he just can't keep his mouth shut. He acts like it's the end of the world when I spend a penny and for some reason he's calm as the breeze when the factory is in deep shit.

Claude: Doesn't he know Liberty City's got a ban on dogs for five years straight now? I just came to this town and even I know that.

Mrs. Chonks: Makes you wonder.

Claude drops off Mrs. Chonks at the Bitch'n' Dog Food Factory. He watches and listens as Mrs. Chonks gets a "Liberty City-style divorce."

Mrs. Chonks: Hey... stop! (Mrs. Chonks is killed and processed by Marty)

To dispose of any evidence, Claude dumps the car in the ocean. Mission complete.

Her Lover

Claude comes back to the same pay phone he did for the previous job by Marty Chonks, and picks up the phone.

Marty: Are you the same guy I've being giving errands to?

Claude: Yeah.

Marty: Good.

Claude: What's going on, Mr. Chonks?

Marty: Damn, I'm in trouble! Turns out my wife was seeing some guy I owe money to. He's got real angry and he's looking for payback! We've agreed to see each other... he thinks I'm gonna pay him off... but my guess is... Liberty's dogs are gonna get yet another flavor this month.

Claude hangs up the phone. He drives over to Chinatown and picks up Carl.

Carl: So you're who Marty sent, eh?

Claude: Yes, sir.

Carl: My name's Carl. Anyway, I'm gonna show that chump the meaning of the word business. He's one of this town's biggest hypocrites.

Claude: I was thinking that when Marty had me deal with his wife.

Carl: How's this town been to ya so far?

Claude: Just got here, and it's been a bumpy ride. What do you think is up next for you?

Carl: I don't know - probably move out west. This city's been a shithole for years.

Claude: Good for you.

Claude drops off Carl and watches as Marty trys to bargain himself out, but Carl is not fooled.

Marty: Carl, hi! I eerr, I need more time to get your money, but if you just step into my office...

Carl: It's far too late for that Marty. You had your chance, but now I'm taking over the business... ASSHOLE! (Carl brings out a shotgun and kills Marty)

Carl then goes into the factory and brings out two briefcases of money.

Carl: Here, I found the money in the factory. Here's yours for your work. See you around.

Claude: Thanks!

Mission complete.

Turismo

Claude goes over to a pay phone in the parking lot of an apartment complex in Hepburn Heights.

Claude: Hello?

El Burro: This is El Burro of the Diablos. You are new in Liberty, but already you are gaining a reputation on the streets. There is a street race starting by the Old School Hall near the Callahan Bridge. Get yourself some wheels and burst through all the checkpoints to win the prize.

Claude hangs up the phone in the cutscene. He gets a vehicle, enters and wins the race by going through all eighteen checkpoints in first, thus completing the mission.

I Scream, You Scream

Claude goes to the same pay phone in Hepburn Heights.

El Burro: I started my exotic entertainment business with nothing but the sizable contents of my leather pants! A gang of no-goods have threatened to remove my starring member if I don't pay them a cut. They threatened the wrong man, amigo. They have a weakness for the ice cream. Pick up the bomb I've hidden in Harwood, hijack the regular ice cream van on its rounds. And lure these fools to their doom with the jeengle-jeengle. They hide in a warehouse on Atlantic Quay.

Claude hangs up the phone.

Claude: (talking to himself) Wow, this guy is serious and crazy. Explode an ice cream van? Ha!

Claude picks up the bomb and then steals the marked ice cream van. He drives the van to Atlantic Quay where he activates the van's attract siren. Once the Forelli thugs have come close enough to the van, Claude detonates the bomb, killing them. Mission complete.

Trial By Fire

Claude goes to the same pay phone in Hepburn Heights.

El Burro: Some insolent Triads stole my beautiful car last night, wrecked it and left it burning! Some of my most precious donkey memorabilia was in the trunk! Real collectibles that are irreplaceable, my friend! I've hidden a throbbing weapon in the edge of Chinatown. Take it and teach and these Triad vandals to fear El Burro's most well-endowed wrath! ARRIBA!

Claude hangs up the phone in the cutscene. He arrives to Chinatown, where he picks up a flamethrower that El Burro provided him with, and uses it to set fire to twenty-five Triads.

Possible quotes by Claude during this mission:

Claude: Eat this, Triad shitbirds!

Claude: Hasta la vista, dragon wackos!

Claude: Stir-fry this!

Mission complete.

Big 'n' Veiny

Claude goes to the same pay phone in Hepburn Heights.

El Burro: A thieving opportunist has stolen a van of my latest publication hot off the press! But that SPANKED-up idiot has left the rear doors open and now tastefully photographed adult literature is being dropped all over Liberty. Take the van and follow that trail of Donkey Does Dallas volumes 1, 2 and 3 collecting it as you go. When you've followed the trail to that thieving SPANK-head, waste him. Then deliver my donkey derby to XXX Mags in the Red Light District.

Claude hangs up the phone.

Claude: (talking to himself) The more I hear about SPANK, the more mysterious this is all getting. Besides, it's not exactly a perfect duo with porn.

Claude follows a van dropping the illicit adult literature and picks them up along the way, eventually managing to kill the thief. He then returns the magazines to XXX Mags in the Red Light District to complete the mission. Stashes of El Burro's Donkey Does Dallas magazines will spawn at the Portland safehouse from now on.

Taking Out the Laundry

Claude heads over to Momma's Restaurante in Saint Mark's, where he sees Toni Cipriani.

Toni: Hey Claude, here have a Goddamn seat.

Claude: Okay, and I know we're not talking spaghetti and meatballs.

Toni: (chuckles) Yeah, good one. Looks like the laundry won't pay any protection, eh? These Triads think they can mess with me. I've got history with 'em, but they never cease to stir up commotion.

Claude: So, in other words, we're going to teach these would be tough guys what it means to be a tough guy.

Toni: You know what, I couldn't have said that better myself. We need more people like you in here, in this business. Anyway, back to what I was saying about those Triad gooks...

Ma Cipriani: Yeah, teach 'em some respect. No son of mine gets it from some Triads.

Claude: (looking away and sighing) Oh, brother.

Toni: Sorry, it’s my ma - you know, the sterotypical “mama” issues. Sorry, Ma.

Ma Cipriani: Your father, God rest his soul, took no crap from no morons back in Sicily.

Toni: Yes, Ma. Okay, Claude, here's the thing - destroy their laundry vans and mangle any Triad gimp that gets in your way. 8-Ball can supply you with what you're gonna need. See you around.

Claude exits Momma's Restaurante and heads over to 8-Ball's Eightballs Autoyard to pick up grenades. He then locates and destroys three Mr. Wongs vans used by the Triads whilst avoiding any Triads that might pursue him to complete the mission.

The Pick-Up

Claude heads over to Momma's Restaurante in Saint Mark's.

Claude: Hello, anyone here?

Ma Cipriani: You're Toni's new errand boy, right?

Claude: Name's Claude.

Ma Cipriani: Okay, goodfella. Toni's off making people bleed, or attempting to. He'll never be as tough as his Pop, but he left you a note on the table.

Toni: (voice only) The laundry has finally agreed to pay - you did real good kid! Go collect the cash and bring it back here. Watch out for the Triads. They may be shoving a firecracker up your ass, but don't take no shit. Nobody, I mean NOBODY, messes with TONI CIPRIANI!

Claude leaves the restaurant's outdoor seating area and heads for an alleyway behind Mr. Wong's Laundromat. He picks up a briefcase containing the protection money, but soon discovers that Triads are after him.

Claude: You're all dead, you Triad pricks!

Claude manages to kill all the Triads members, then brings the briefcase to Momma's Restaurante to complete the mission.

Salvatore's Called A Meeting

Claude heads over to Momma's Restaurante in Saint Mark's, but not for a lunch break.

Toni: Okay, Claude, we've got ourselves a meeting with the Don, Salvatore Leone.

Claude: Salvatore - who?

Toni: Leone. Anyhow, I need you to collect the Limo and Joey from his garage. Then drive over to Sex Club 7 and pick up Luigi. On top of that, pick me up here, then we'll all drive over to the boss's place together. Again, I must warn you of those damn Triads, they don't know when to stop. They want a war? They got a war! 

Claude: I'll be with the limo soon.

Claude exits the outdoor seating area. He drives over to Joey's garage in Trenton to pick him up and to start driving the Limo.

Claude: Your father's called a meeting. Let us get going.

Joey: What? Oh, shoot! Just dropped my lucky hammer. Okay, let's go.

Claude then drives to Sex Club 7 in order to pick up Luigi.

Claude: The Don's called a meeting, titty time's over.

Luigi: Okay, let's go.

Claude then drives back to Momma's Restaurante to pick up Toni.

Toni: Okay, let's go. No fancy crap.

Claude drives the trio to Salvatore's Gentlemen's Club, but manages to avoid the Triads, who try to attack the limousine with their laundry vans. The team arrives at Salvatore's all in one piece.

Toni: You did good back there kid, real good. C'mon let's introduce you to the Don.

Salvatore: Heeyyy! Luigi!

Luigi: Oh, my girls have been missing you so much. Salvatore, you've been away too long.

Salvatore: You tell them, when this unfortunate business has been taken care of, we'll go down to the club and celebrate. There is my boy.

Joey: How you doin' pop?

Salvatore: Have you got yourself a good woman yet? You know your Momma, God bless her soul would be turning over in her grave, if she ever saw you without a wife.

Joey: I know, I'm working on it.

Salvatore: TONI! How is your Momma? She's a great woman you know. Strong. Firenze.

Toni: She's good... fine.

Salvatore: Terrific, terrific. Now listen you guys, you go inside while I talk to our new friend here. Hello, there, what's your name?

Claude: Claude Speed, you must be Don Salvatore Leone.

Salvatore: You can just call me Sal, we're all over the moon with you. I have nothing but good things for you my boy...

Claude appears outside Salvatore's Gentlemen's Club. Mission complete.

Chaperone

Claude heads over to Salvatore's Gentlemen's Club in Saint Mark's.

Claude: Hi, there Sal.

Salvatore: Hey there, Claude. Me and the fellas need to talk business, so you're gonna look after my girl for the evening. HEY, MARIA, MORE YOUR ASS! Dumb broad does this every time. And here she is, the one and only Queen of Sheba! What were you doing up there? Well, whatever it was, I bet it cost me money!

Maria: Well, you don't think I hang around for the conversation, do you?!

Salvatore and Maria then look at Claude apologetically, thinking their argument might ward off business with him.

Claude: (sarcastically) Oh, look at you old-school romantics.

Salvatore and Maria laugh at Claude's quip before getting back to the basics.

Salvatore: Good one. Anyway, you might wanna watch Maria, she can be trouble.

Maria: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm sure your new lap dog has everything covered! And isn't he big and strong?

Salvatore: Eh, see ya's later.

Claude and Maria exit Salvatore's mansion in the cutscene.

Claude: (talking to himself) Hmm, this girl must really like me. I don't know what I've done to deserve her though.

Claude starts driving Maria in the black Stretch limousine out of Salvatore's garage.

Maria: So, cutie pie, won't ya take me to Kurowski Station? Gotta make a stop.

Claude: Sure thing, Maria.

Maria: How's Liberty City so far, Fido?

Claude: It's a strange place. I never thought I would end up here. Oh, my name's Claude.

Maria: Yeah, you're right, it's a strange little town too. Well, at least since I came here.

Claude drops Maria off at the Kurowski Station, where Chico is waiting.

Chico: Hey, Maria! It's my favorite lady! You looking for fun? A little... hmm? Some SPANK?

Maria: Hi Chico. Nah, just the usual.

Chico: Here you go lady. Hey, maybe you should check out the party at this warehouse at the east end of Atlantic Quays.

Maria: Thanks, Chico. See you around.

Chico: Gracias and enjoy, that's good stuff.

Maria gets back into the limousine. Claude drives to Atlantic Quays, although the player can kill Chico simply by running him over.

Claude: That guy's trouble.

Maria: What do ya mean, he's trouble? He's a good friend of mine!

Claude: He's been pushing SPANK, and I've been hearing bad things about it. Maybe it's why this town's so strange.

Maria: Oh, SPANK? It sounds strange, I admit, but don't be a square. Come on, let's check out this party!

Claude drops Maria off at the party in Atlantic Quays.

Maria: Alright Claude, wait here and look after the car while I go and shake my butt alright.

Claude: I haven't slept well for heaven knows how long - good time to take a nap and get some Zs.

Soon, the police and SWAT teams come to put an end to the party, claiming it to be a narcotics raid.

Claude: Shit! It's a police raid! You better come back here, Maria!

The player receives a two-star wanted level. Maria manages to get inside the limousine in time and Claude proceeds to drive her back to Salvatore's place.

Maria: Shit, let's get out of here! Wooooh!

Claude: Are you okay?

Maria: Hey, I'm fine.

Claude drops off Maria at Salvatore's Gentlemen's Club.

Maria: You know, I enjoyed myself for the first time in a long while, and you treated me really good. With respect and everything. Oh, I'd better go. I hope I'll see you around.

Claude: Take care now.

Mission complete.

Triads and Tribulations

Claude heads over to Momma's Restaurante in Saint Mark's looking for more work by Toni.

Claude: Hello, is Toni here?

Ma Cipriani: Hey, who the hell is - oh, it's you, Claude. TONI ain't here, but he left one of his sugary love letters for you.

Toni: (voice) Unless you've been living under a rock, we're still at war with those God-damned Triads. They have this fish factory as a front, but most of their business goes down at the fish market in Chinatown. That laundry still owes us protection. They reckon the Triads are protecting them now, so I say we exact a fitting punishment. Take these boys over and whack the Triad warlords to high hell! Pop some of their soldiers, too, if you get the chance.

Claude leaves the seating area in the cutscene. Two Leone backup men are with Claude to help him assassinate the Triad warlords. He drives over to three different locations across Portland and manages to kill the Triad warlords and their fellow gang members to complete the mission.

Blow Fish

Claude heads over to Momma's Restaurante in Saint Mark's and sees Toni waiting for him.

Toni: Okay, I've had enough of this shit.

Claude: The Triads, you mean? They're a real pain in the ass!

Toni: That's right, my boy. We're gonna finish these fuckers, once and for all! Remember I told you about the fish factory?

Claude: Yeah, it's a legitimate front you said.

Toni: We're gonna blow it to the moon! 8-Ball's rigged a trash truck and left it for you outside his shop. Be careful, though, the bomb's sensitive and even the slightest thing might set it off! Their fish factory will open their gates for a dustcart, so you can drive right in. They've got some gas canisters which should prove to be their pitfall.  It's gonna be raining mackerel, it'll be an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet for free for everyone! (Claude and Toni laugh) Ain't I crazy, kid?

Claude: You betcha. And I just ate, thank you!

Toni laughs in hysteria over his plan. Claude leaves the area in the cutscene.

Claude: (talking to himself) This should be real biblical, enough fish to fill up Noah's ark here.

Claude drives over to 8-Ball's bomb shop in Harwood and picks up the Trashmaster. He then drives with caution and in a timely matter to the Belly-Up Fish & Seafood Processing Plant in Trenton. He then arms the bomb in the designated spot, then evades the plant and any pursuing Triads before the bomb detonates. The entire plant is reduced to rubble, completing the mission. Claude kills any remaining Triads or flees, depending on the player's choice.

Cutting The Grass

Claude heads over to Salvatore's Gentlemen's Club in Saint Mark's.

Salvatore: (talking to an unseen character) Leave us alone for a minute. How ya doin', Claude?

Claude: Good to see you boss.

Salvatore: Your old friends turned enemies over at the Colombian Cartel is making this drug called SPANK.

Claude: Hmmm, so this is what I've been hearing about? I can see someone like Catalina doing something like this.

Salvatore: Exactly, it's been making people go crazy for years and it's beyond bad for business, it's a God-damned disgrace! But we don't know where this SPANK facility is, and they seem to know everything we're doing before we do. I smell a rat! (Salvatore holds up a photo to Claude) Do you know this person by chance?

Claude: No.

Salvatore: Good. If you did, I'd kill you. He's working the bar at Luigi's, bastard can't make a martini if his life depended upon it. Yet he's been throwing around more money than he makes.

Claude: So, what makes you think it's him?

Salvatore: Well, for starters, I don't hear of him pimpin' or pushin'. We haven't had a cut from him in months. Guy must be talking. Oh, the guy's name is Curly Bob. He usually takes a taxi home from work, but I reckon this time he'll meet with the Cartel. Follow him, and if he is rattin' us out, kill him.

Claude: With pleasure, boss.

Salvatore: I just know you're the kind of guy I need!

Claude exits the mansion in the cutscene. He proceeds to park the car he drives a block behind the taxi Curly Bob is taking. Claude manages to follow Curly Bob to the Portland Docks without spooking him. Curly Bob gets out of the taxi and heads toward Catalina and Miguel. A shocked Claude looks on from his car.

Claude: (in car, talking to himself) What the... no way! Catalina and Miguel! Too bad I can't blow both of your God-damned brains out now, 'cause I'll draw heat.

The conversation between Curly Bob, Catalina and Miguel starts.

Miguel: Here comes our little friend, Mr. Big Mouth himself.

Catalina: Were you followed? You know what goes on here is our little secret, amigo.

Curly Bob: No... no I wasn't followed, you got my stuff?

Catalina: Here's your SPANK, squealer! Now talk!

Curly Bob: Okay, so the Leones are fighting war on two fronts. Meanwhile they're in a turf with the Triads with no sign of either side giving up. Meanwhile Joey Leone has stirred up some bad blood with the Forellis. Every day they're losing men and influence in the city. Don Salvatore is becoming dangerous and paranoid. He suspects everybody and everything.

Catalina: With loyalty like yours, what has he possibly got to worry about?

Catalina and Miguel leave the area and are unable to detect Claude. Claude then, depending on how the player executes the plan, kills Curly Bob to complete the mission. Be careful, though - Curly Bob has a shotgun.

Bomb Da Base: Act I

Claude heads over to Salvatore's Gentlemen's Club in Saint Mark's.

Salvatore: Why, if it isn't my good man? How are things?

Claude: Well, you were right - that Curly Bob is now out of the equation.

Salvatore: Okay, and do you know anything about the Cartel?

Claude: First, I'm a former associate, but that's not my fault. Second, they've got bottomless funds from distributing this SPANK.

Salvatore: And if we make an open attack on them, they're bound to wipe the floor with us. That tanker ship that Curly led you to must be their nexus of operations.

Claude: We're still gonna have to use our heads, though.

Salvatore: Or rather one head - yours. 

Claude: What?!

Salvatore: Come on, you're not just doing me, Salvatore Leone, a favor, you're doing it for yourself. I am well aware of your plot for revenge against those psychotic Colombians and I'm more than on board with it. You can have anything you want from me when this is through.

Claude: Now I'm feeling at ease. I'll surely need 8-Ball's help, he's got the expertise on how that ship's gonna go down. I'll give you a call when it's done.

Salvatore: That's my boy!

Claude exits the mansion in the cutscene. Claude heads over to 8-Ball's bomb shop in Harwood and then knocks on the door of his trailer.

8-Ball: Yo, my man!

Claude: Hey, wassup!

8-Ball: I know, I've been missing you! Salvatore phoned ahead, and a job like this will need a lot of fireworks.

Claude: What's the price?

8-Ball: I'll need $100 grand to cover expenses, but you know with me, you get a lot of bang for your buck. Come back when you have the money.

Claude exits the cutscene.

Bomb Da Base: Act II

If the player has at least $100,000, then Claude knocks on 8-Ball's door again.

Claude: Alright, I've got the cash.

8-Ball: Okay, let's do this thing. I can set this baby to detonate, but I still can't use a piece with these hands. But, look what I've got.

Claude: You're definitely not messing around!

8-Ball: Today's that rainy day. This should help you pop some heads!

Claude and 8-Ball get into a vehicle and head for Portland Docks.

Claude: Sure sucks you still can't use your hands properly.

8-Ball: I know, right? It's the 21st century and we still don't have adequate health care in this country.

Claude: This container ship's got the lethal poison that bitch Catalina's been making.

8-Ball: Don't worry, with some of mine fine handiwork, her plans will be sunk! S-U-N-K!

Claude: Yep, just like that over-rated flick four years ago.

Claude and 8-Ball arrive near the "Les Cargo" container ship.

Claude: Okay, what's the plan?

8-Ball: Get a good vantage point, then I'll head in when you fire the first shot.

8-Ball gets out of the vehicle. Depending on the player's execution of the plan, Claude manages to eliminate all the Colombian Cartel members so that 8-Ball can climb aboard the ship and plant the bomb. Then, a cutscene plays showing 8-Ball being able to escape just before the ship sinks into the sea. 8-Ball and Claude then get back into the car.

8-Ball: Mind driving me over back to my place?

Claude: Sure thing.

8-Ball and Claude arrive at 8-Ball's bomb shop.

8-Ball: Hey, that was fun. We should meet up again, play pool.

Claude: Okay, see you around friend.

Mission complete.

Last Requests

Claude heads over to Salvatore's Gentlemen's Club in Saint Mark's.

Salvatore: Hey, hey! Woo-hoo!

Claude: I know, we did it!

Salvatore (picks up bottles of wine for him and Claude to celebrate): Drinks on me, here, cheers!

Claude: Cheers! (Claude and Salvatore toast the bottles and drink them)

Claude: That was some pure fun kicking the shit outta those grease balls!

Salvatore: Damn right. Now they know not to screw with me and you, my favorite cleaner. I'll set up a real celebration for you at Luigi's club, but I just have one more job for you.

Claude: Hmm, what's that?

Salvatore: There's a car around the block from Luigi's club. The inside is covered in brains. We had to help some guy make up his mind and it proved a little messy. Take it to the crusher before the cops find it.

Claude: It's a done deal.

Salvatore: That's my man, just adorable, eh?

Claude leaves Salvatore's mansion in the cutscene. He heads over towards the Cheetah, not knowing it is rigged with a bomb. However, before he can get there, Claude receives an unexpected call on his cell phone from Maria Latore.

Claude: Hello, who is this?

Maria: Look, Claude! I know what you're going to do, don't do it!

Claude: Oh, Maria? Why, is Salvatore up to something with me here?

Maria: Yeah, the car's a trap! Salvatore's mad at you, actually! Though I'm not.

Claude: You shitting me?! Here I thought he was some jolly old king.

Maria: Please meet me under the Callahan Bridge as quick as you can!

Claude: Okay, previous mission aborted.

Claude arrives at Callahan Point, at a boat dock nearby the Callahan Bridge. There, Maria and another woman are expecting him.

Claude: Hey, girl, what's this panic all about?

Maria: Look, Claude, Salvatore thinks that we're going behind his back, so he was offering you and me to the Cartel in order to make a deal.

Claude: The Cartel?!

Maria: I know, I couldn't let him do that. I mean the worst thing is, it's all my fault.

Claude: How could it be your fault?

Maria: Well, I told him that you and me were an item.

Claude: WHAT THE - ?!! You've got to be shitting me, that was so God-damned stupid!

Maria: Look, I'm sorry, baby, don't ask me why I do those things. But, the point is, you're now a marked man on Mafia turf and I've got to get out of here too, I've seen too much! Too much killing, too much blood!

Claude: (long pause) So, what's the plan?

Maria: Here, this is an old friend of mine, this is Asuka Kasen, someone we can trust.

Asuka: Hello there, Claude.

Claude: Hello, Asuka.

Asuka: C'mon, enough of the speeches. We better get out of here before we get more hysterical Italians wanting less friendly reunions.

Claude, Maria and Asuka get into the Reefer and sail across the river to the boat docks by Asuka's condo in Staunton Island.

Asuka: This is my condo here in Newport. A swanky departure from Portland, Claude?

Claude: Well, I was getting tired of the smell of weeks-old pasta anyway.

Maria: (laughing with Asuka at Claude's quip) Yep, this where the new action is. Why don't you go cruise around, see what's new?

Asuka: Yeah, and you'll need new real estate. There's a warehouse at the edge of Belleville that should suit your needs.

Claude: Okay, and I'll come by the condo soon.

Asuka: Don't get too crazy, heh heh.

Mission complete. Staunton Island is now unlocked for the player to explore. When the player gets into any vehicle, they will hear this message from a reporter regardless of whether the radio is turned on or off:

Reporter: News just in from the traffic desk: repairs to the Callahan Bridge have been completed. Since the explosion, engineers have been working around the clock to get traffic flowing between Portland and Staunton Island once again.

After two in-game minutes, Claude gets a call on his cell phone from 8-Ball.

Post-mission phone call

8-Ball: Hey Claude, it's 8-Ball. I swear, I did not set you up. It was some other guy who made the car bomb!

Claude: Oh, thank goodness!

8-Ball: Yeah, Salvatore's real pissed at me too - I refused his order to bomb you and now he's gone to high hell.

Claude: I suggest you might wanna leave Liberty City, St. Mark's just became too close for comfort for me too!

8-Ball: Yeah, and I've got some other guys who can help you around town. Well, I should heed your advice. It's been good, pal.

Claude: Yep, don't forget to write. Take care.

Claude hangs up his phone.

NOTE: Grand Theft Auto, Grand Theft Auto III, the Grand Theft Auto III logo, and the character model of Claude © by Take-Two Interactive, Rockstar Games and DMA Design/Rockstar North. I am not affiliated with Rockstar Games, Rockstar North or Take-Two Interactive in any way.